Make Your Own Traditions - Dear Kid

During this holiday time it seems like everyone assumes you celebrate the custom of Christmas and all the comes with it, that Santa dude, the presents and the belief system.

Dear Daniel

At school they tell you Christmas stories and teach you Christmas songs. On television they expect you to watch the Christmas movies and make a tradition out of it.

But what happens when you come home to me? Do I pressure you with Christmas? No. Because I do not celebrate Christmas. Never really have. See where I come from our holiday traditions are different. It's not about this mystery man who judges you for being "naughty or nice'. No I was raised with a different view of Christmas. But then I was born in another country and raised with another culture.

But what about you? You were born here. Is Christmas to be your culture?

Many people say your missing out or that I'm neglecting you in some why by not celebrating Christmas with you. I don't agree but still I've struggled with the question for the last 2 years. In the end I've decided...it's not up to me to decide.

This is your life and you have the choice to define what you want to do, be and celebrate. From what I know about you I don't think your a fan of Christmas or of Santa but who knows if that will change. As you grow you'll have more peer pressure to confirm to what others think this time of year should be and how you should act.

As your mother, I hope to counter that pressure with alternative in case you want them. I hope to share your different cultures with you so you know there's other traditions you can celebrate. Just between you and me Koreans don't really celebrate Christmas either.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Never Stop Learning - Dear Kid

I'm always amazed at how fast you can learn something.

Dear Daniel

One day you don't know your ABC's and then the next day you do. One day you don't know how to say you name, then the next day you know how to say, spell AND write your name. You are always constantly learning and it's a wonderful thing.


This morning as you sat writing your letters, which seems to be your latest obsession, I watched as the letter changed from unclear scribble to clear defined shapes.

Yes the letters took up most of the space on the paper. Yes you wrote on all sorts of angles instead of straight across but what you wrote is clear.

I can see the A, I can see the M, I can see you figuring out how to make the lines match the shape you know the letters should be.

You want to know something? You've always been this way. Always trying to learn, always trying to do, always trying to connect what you "think" with what you "can do".

From the moment your little mind finds something of interest, it's drives you to achieve some inner goal. I sometimes wonder if that's something I passed on to you. I've been known to have tunnel vision when I want to accomplish something.

Anyway, whether this need to learn is something I passed to you or something that's just all you, I hope you remain this way...always striving to learn and achieve.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Fall leaves - Wordless Wednesday

My son plays with the fall leaves before the winter snow comes.

I love these simple moments of wonder and joy.

After breakfast gaming

After a cup of oatmeal, 2 pancakes and juice, my son kicks back in bed for some gaming.

Ah what a life

Proud to Have a Son - Dear Kid

Today when grandma came to visit and share family gossip about your aunt's (my sister's) pregnancy, she reminded me of the time I was pregnant with you.

Dear Daniel

We reminisced how I knew right away I was pregnant and how it was exciting news for the family. You don't know this but the family has been waiting for me to have a child for the longest time.

But in my mind and heart I wasn't ready yet. What was I waiting on? I'm not sure but when I met your dad and started planning for you, it seems the right time for me. Both my heart and mind agreed so your dad and I conceived you.

But being pregnant with you had an interesting twist. Your dad and I would try and guess whether you'd be female or male. He said male, I said female. I felt 110 % that you'd be a little girl with curly hair, dimples and a caramel skin-tone. I planned on braiding your hair, helping you play with dolls and when you were older explaining the mystery of men to you.

So imagine my surprise when at my 2nd sonogram I saw something I wasn't expecting on my girl baby. Then the 3 little words I didn't expect to hear was said. It's a Boy!

I wont lie to you my son, I nearly cried. I asked the technician if she was sure even thought I clearly saw your defining male anatomy. She pointed to the same area I was staring at in disbelief and firmly said...Yes, It's a boy.

My mom reminded me of that moment. When she saw how disappointed I was, she wondered how it would be for me when you were born. Well 3 years later, she laughs at it and her worry. Do you know why?

Because I am proud to have a son!

Yes, it took me some time to adjust to the world of little boys and the craziness that come with it. Why you run around jumping on things I'll never figure out. But I admit it's fun to watch. I enjoy that you bring such joy and excitement to everything you do. I love your fearlessness, even though sometimes it give me extra gray hair.

I love that your not afraid of bugs, getting dirty or dancing around outside on a snowy day.....like you did today. I enjoy playing with your trains or building blocks high, only to turn around and knock them down. I enjoy your hugs, even though it feels like you have me in a headlock.

I even enjoy watching your assertive personality develop. Yes I admit I was miffed when you started telling me NO or demanding I should COME ON when your ready to go outside.

But I understand it's the testosterone making you talk like you aint got no sense!

As I watch the little man in you develop, I have no regrets about you not being a girl. The bond we share as mother and son is solid and I can't imagine my world without you. Everyday you inspire me in so many ways and make me proud to say I gave birth to a son. You are MY SON and I'll love you always. Don't ever forget that.

Love you always,
Your Umma

The Blind Privilege of White Moms

I received a very interesting reply to my tweet about what happened to me this weekend. Julie, a white mom, pointed out why some white women/moms wont get why questioning a mother of color connection to their biracial child is upsetting and rude.

I was shocked to see something like that said (admitted) when other white moms would swear otherwise. As I traded tweets with Julie I wanted to learn more about this "white privileged blindness" some white women/moms have.

I asked Julie to share her thoughts on the subject in a guest post on the Euphoria Luv blog and she bravely wrote White Mamas, White Privilege & Racial Mental Tango

Please read the post, share a comment and start the dialogue. I think it's important that moms of color with biracial children hear/read/ understand what's really happening in the minds of some white women/moms.

My Black Motherhood: Separate & Never Equal

Last night I sat talking to 2 black women about being a mom to a blasian child and an asian & black community advocate, when a white women walked over to our area, starting gushing over my son and then turn to the group of white women sitting next to us and asked which of the women (white) my son belonged to.

*blink, blink* (where's a hidden camera when you need one?!)

I should mention that my son was sitting in my lap, with my arms around him, playing on my ipod touch that has a case with a photo of us on it.

For all arguments sake it was clear he was with me.

As I looked at this women who still seemed clueless when none of the white women claimed my son as their own (would they even dare?!) I wondered what she saw....or rather didn't see.

As I turned back to the black women I was talking to, 3 pairs of eyes collectively rolled together. I think we might have sighed also but I cant remember. I do remember the conversation that immediately followed the side eye all 3 of us gave that white women.

• A conversation with comments validating that my son looks just like me
• A conversation that validated that people don't take time to pay attention to anything besides skin-tone
• A conversation about how more people need to know that black women have biracial children that are a different hue, heck even a black mom with a black child can be different hues.
  

We had this conversation with that white women still standing there being pointedly ignored by me. Let me tell you, it took most of my will power not to turn around and tell her how ignorant and stupid she sounded. But I've learned not to engage with people when the end result would be pointless.

My point was proven when this same women, passed my son and I repeatedly during the night and never stopped to say anything, not a sorry for the misunderstanding, not a can I get to know you, not even a hello. Nothing, just kept looking at us and not speaking.

What's even more interesting is this women knows of me in the mom blogging world. We may not be friends in the same circle but I'm certainly no stranger to her. So again I wondered what she saw....or rather didn't see.

What is it that people are NOT seeing when they look at me as women and mother? This was the thought on my mind as I looked around at the people also at the conference. They were mainly white. While that's nothing new at these types of events, as I entered the area where dinner was being served I felt uncomfortable.

As I looked around to see where my son and I can sit, I made eye contact with a certain high profile mom in the blogging world. The look in her eyes made it clear, in her mind, there's no place for me and my son at this event. I immediately lost my appetite.

As I walked back towards the exit, I said goodbye to the few that were friendly and pointedly ignored the others. Could I have stayed? Yes, I payed the fee to be at this conference but which mom want to expose their child to people who are confused and unfriendly with a family that's different then their's?

That to me seems to be the answer to my question. People in that world still don't see me on the level with them.

Black motherhood is still a mystery, a black mother is still something to be kept as separate and an outsider. For the last 2.5 years in the mom blog world, I've held my tongue, played nice and paid my dues when dealing with rudeness, discrimination and sometimes out right hostility. In the end for what?

At an event where I'm suppose to be part of a community of influencers, I'm reminded my "motherhood" influence doesn't apply to them.

Reevaluating Circumcision - Dear Kid

It's Saturday! Time for a Dear Daniel letter

Dear Daniel

After thinking about it last night I think I might change my mind on the circumcision issue. While I still don't like the idea of someone cutting off any parts of you and having you in pain, I'm far more scared of you getting another penis related issue.

I confess I don't have a clue how it feels to have a penis, much less one that isn't feeling well. But I do know how important a healthy penis is for both a man and a women.

As a mother I would feel horrible to find out my choice to keep you uncircumcised resulted in something worse happening that will affect your adult life. Ugh, just the thought makes me wanna cry.

I can't imagine you not being able to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship. Yes I really did write that so stop blushing. By the time your old enough to read these letters, I'm sure you'll already know the basics about sex and females.

But beyond having a healthy sexual relationship, I'm also thinking about your body image. Again I don't know personally but I heard it whispered from a few guys I know that a male's penis is very important to him. Somehow a penis is tied into who and what a guy thinks he is.

My son I have no idea how that connection works but I don't want to deny you this aspect of male psychology, or worse have you live life with a negative body image.

So when we meet with the urologist in a few days I will listen and be open to all the options available to treat your condition. My main goal is to get your penis back to normal working condition.

If after examining all options we find the only solution left is circumcision, then my son I will accept and make that choice based on love.

As your mom it's my duty to love and safeguard all parts of you till adulthood. Yes even the parts I'm completely clueless about.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Enjoy Traveling - Dear Kid

Today we're going to visit another family in Connecticut. Today will be a day of firsts for you. It's your first time traveling on the Metro North, but also the first you're visiting Connecticut.

Dear Daniel

I confess I was a bit nervous about how things will go. Will you be OK being away from all your toys and trains? Will you be OK being on the train for 2 hours? Will you be OK traveling.

As I watch you looking out the window, I think you'll be ok. Having you ok with travel is very important. When I was pregnant with you I would dream of all the places I would take you. I dreamed of taking you all around New York City, then all around the United States and then hopefully all around the world.

I confess I started your "travel" training when you were just a few days old. To the shock and horror of everyone I took you everywhere with me instead of hiding out inside the house. I could tell you enjoyed being outside and seeing the sites. I enjoyed walking and talking with you. Those were our special moments

As you grew, I wondered if you'd develop my wanderlust and love of traveling.

As I watch you looking out the window, I'm proud that your making a start. A start that I hope continues your whole life. Travel my son is one of the best things you can do with your life.

There is more in the world then just our section in Harlem, then our section in New York City, then our section of the United States. There's so much more outside our bubble of a world that I hope you travel and find.

The bigger world is filled with all sorts of places to see and people to meet. People who will embrace you and your uniqueness because they have a more diverse view of life.

I hope meeting different people will help you see life as more diverse and wonderfully varied.

As I watch you looking out the window, I hope this first trip out of state will the first of many. The love of travel is one of the greatest gifts I want to leave you with. Travel well my son.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Toddler Couch Olympics - Dear Kid

If I've told you once I've told you a thousands times to STOP jumping on the couch but do you listen?

Dear Daniel

Clearly your not listening to me. I don't know what to do. I've spoken to you nicely, I've yelled, I've firmly removed from said couch and asked you to jump on the floor. But none of that works. Still the daredevil in you prompts instant couch jumping as soon as I leave the room.

As I watch you attempt leaps, kicks and other acrobatic feats, I wonder if your training for some toddler couch Olympics I don't know about. That has to be it. Are you training in secret? Did a special note get passed to you while you were on the slide showing off you hangman skills? It's the only thing I can think of why you keep trying to give me a heartache or tempt a trip to the emergency room for a broken body part.

Well if you're getting ready for some imaginary toddler couch Olympics, from the way you've been training I'm sure you'll bring home the first prize. Then all this new gray hair I've gotten will be worth it.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Bento lunch box lesson

Making our bento lunch boxes....

during the Bazooka "Sweet Tweets" notes event

Your Sebae Honors Me - Dear Kid

Words can't describe how I felt today when I saw you Sebae (Korean New Year's bow to parents).

Dear Daniel

When I planned on celebrating family day for the Korean New Year, I just wanted to share one more thing about Korean culture with you. It's my love for you that inspired me to start attending events at the Korea Society.

It's my love for you that helps me ignore the drama I get from friends and family for sharing your culture with you. It's my love for you that strengthens me when I have to be the only black mother in a room of Asian moms. It's always about my love for you....

Little did I know that today I would get that love back in an unexpected way. When we went to the Sebae section it was just about taking a photo and learning about the tradition.

When the man sitting there offered to teach you how to bow, I was surprised. Honestly I didn't think you'd let him teach you. Then when you tried to get away by squirming around I figure that was the end of it. But for some reason that only you know, you changed your mind.

As the women, also sitting there, instructed me to take off my shoes and sit down, the man moved you into position. As I watched you kneel down and figure out what to do, my heart ache with the joy of it. As your little body bowed down I nearly cried.

I chose to cheer and praise you instead for being such a good son. In a room filled with Korean's my blasian son gave me honor as his black mother.

I'm not sure what the people in the room thought about us, and to be honest I dont really care. Because in that one moment all the stress, fears, and tears that I've had to deal with from the moment I saw those two pink lines didn't matter.

All that mattered is a mothers love for her son was being returned and honored with that one simple gesture of bowing.

Happy Korean New Year my son.

Love you always,
Your Umma