Make Your Own Traditions - Dear Kid

During this holiday time it seems like everyone assumes you celebrate the custom of Christmas and all the comes with it, that Santa dude, the presents and the belief system.

Dear Daniel

At school they tell you Christmas stories and teach you Christmas songs. On television they expect you to watch the Christmas movies and make a tradition out of it.

But what happens when you come home to me? Do I pressure you with Christmas? No. Because I do not celebrate Christmas. Never really have. See where I come from our holiday traditions are different. It's not about this mystery man who judges you for being "naughty or nice'. No I was raised with a different view of Christmas. But then I was born in another country and raised with another culture.

But what about you? You were born here. Is Christmas to be your culture?

Many people say your missing out or that I'm neglecting you in some why by not celebrating Christmas with you. I don't agree but still I've struggled with the question for the last 2 years. In the end I've decided...it's not up to me to decide.

This is your life and you have the choice to define what you want to do, be and celebrate. From what I know about you I don't think your a fan of Christmas or of Santa but who knows if that will change. As you grow you'll have more peer pressure to confirm to what others think this time of year should be and how you should act.

As your mother, I hope to counter that pressure with alternative in case you want them. I hope to share your different cultures with you so you know there's other traditions you can celebrate. Just between you and me Koreans don't really celebrate Christmas either.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Never Stop Learning - Dear Kid

I'm always amazed at how fast you can learn something.

Dear Daniel

One day you don't know your ABC's and then the next day you do. One day you don't know how to say you name, then the next day you know how to say, spell AND write your name. You are always constantly learning and it's a wonderful thing.


This morning as you sat writing your letters, which seems to be your latest obsession, I watched as the letter changed from unclear scribble to clear defined shapes.

Yes the letters took up most of the space on the paper. Yes you wrote on all sorts of angles instead of straight across but what you wrote is clear.

I can see the A, I can see the M, I can see you figuring out how to make the lines match the shape you know the letters should be.

You want to know something? You've always been this way. Always trying to learn, always trying to do, always trying to connect what you "think" with what you "can do".

From the moment your little mind finds something of interest, it's drives you to achieve some inner goal. I sometimes wonder if that's something I passed on to you. I've been known to have tunnel vision when I want to accomplish something.

Anyway, whether this need to learn is something I passed to you or something that's just all you, I hope you remain this way...always striving to learn and achieve.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Proud to Have a Son - Dear Kid

Today when grandma came to visit and share family gossip about your aunt's (my sister's) pregnancy, she reminded me of the time I was pregnant with you.

Dear Daniel

We reminisced how I knew right away I was pregnant and how it was exciting news for the family. You don't know this but the family has been waiting for me to have a child for the longest time.

But in my mind and heart I wasn't ready yet. What was I waiting on? I'm not sure but when I met your dad and started planning for you, it seems the right time for me. Both my heart and mind agreed so your dad and I conceived you.

But being pregnant with you had an interesting twist. Your dad and I would try and guess whether you'd be female or male. He said male, I said female. I felt 110 % that you'd be a little girl with curly hair, dimples and a caramel skin-tone. I planned on braiding your hair, helping you play with dolls and when you were older explaining the mystery of men to you.

So imagine my surprise when at my 2nd sonogram I saw something I wasn't expecting on my girl baby. Then the 3 little words I didn't expect to hear was said. It's a Boy!

I wont lie to you my son, I nearly cried. I asked the technician if she was sure even thought I clearly saw your defining male anatomy. She pointed to the same area I was staring at in disbelief and firmly said...Yes, It's a boy.

My mom reminded me of that moment. When she saw how disappointed I was, she wondered how it would be for me when you were born. Well 3 years later, she laughs at it and her worry. Do you know why?

Because I am proud to have a son!

Yes, it took me some time to adjust to the world of little boys and the craziness that come with it. Why you run around jumping on things I'll never figure out. But I admit it's fun to watch. I enjoy that you bring such joy and excitement to everything you do. I love your fearlessness, even though sometimes it give me extra gray hair.

I love that your not afraid of bugs, getting dirty or dancing around outside on a snowy day.....like you did today. I enjoy playing with your trains or building blocks high, only to turn around and knock them down. I enjoy your hugs, even though it feels like you have me in a headlock.

I even enjoy watching your assertive personality develop. Yes I admit I was miffed when you started telling me NO or demanding I should COME ON when your ready to go outside.

But I understand it's the testosterone making you talk like you aint got no sense!

As I watch the little man in you develop, I have no regrets about you not being a girl. The bond we share as mother and son is solid and I can't imagine my world without you. Everyday you inspire me in so many ways and make me proud to say I gave birth to a son. You are MY SON and I'll love you always. Don't ever forget that.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Reevaluating Circumcision - Dear Kid

It's Saturday! Time for a Dear Daniel letter

Dear Daniel

After thinking about it last night I think I might change my mind on the circumcision issue. While I still don't like the idea of someone cutting off any parts of you and having you in pain, I'm far more scared of you getting another penis related issue.

I confess I don't have a clue how it feels to have a penis, much less one that isn't feeling well. But I do know how important a healthy penis is for both a man and a women.

As a mother I would feel horrible to find out my choice to keep you uncircumcised resulted in something worse happening that will affect your adult life. Ugh, just the thought makes me wanna cry.

I can't imagine you not being able to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship. Yes I really did write that so stop blushing. By the time your old enough to read these letters, I'm sure you'll already know the basics about sex and females.

But beyond having a healthy sexual relationship, I'm also thinking about your body image. Again I don't know personally but I heard it whispered from a few guys I know that a male's penis is very important to him. Somehow a penis is tied into who and what a guy thinks he is.

My son I have no idea how that connection works but I don't want to deny you this aspect of male psychology, or worse have you live life with a negative body image.

So when we meet with the urologist in a few days I will listen and be open to all the options available to treat your condition. My main goal is to get your penis back to normal working condition.

If after examining all options we find the only solution left is circumcision, then my son I will accept and make that choice based on love.

As your mom it's my duty to love and safeguard all parts of you till adulthood. Yes even the parts I'm completely clueless about.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Enjoy Traveling - Dear Kid

Today we're going to visit another family in Connecticut. Today will be a day of firsts for you. It's your first time traveling on the Metro North, but also the first you're visiting Connecticut.

Dear Daniel

I confess I was a bit nervous about how things will go. Will you be OK being away from all your toys and trains? Will you be OK being on the train for 2 hours? Will you be OK traveling.

As I watch you looking out the window, I think you'll be ok. Having you ok with travel is very important. When I was pregnant with you I would dream of all the places I would take you. I dreamed of taking you all around New York City, then all around the United States and then hopefully all around the world.

I confess I started your "travel" training when you were just a few days old. To the shock and horror of everyone I took you everywhere with me instead of hiding out inside the house. I could tell you enjoyed being outside and seeing the sites. I enjoyed walking and talking with you. Those were our special moments

As you grew, I wondered if you'd develop my wanderlust and love of traveling.

As I watch you looking out the window, I'm proud that your making a start. A start that I hope continues your whole life. Travel my son is one of the best things you can do with your life.

There is more in the world then just our section in Harlem, then our section in New York City, then our section of the United States. There's so much more outside our bubble of a world that I hope you travel and find.

The bigger world is filled with all sorts of places to see and people to meet. People who will embrace you and your uniqueness because they have a more diverse view of life.

I hope meeting different people will help you see life as more diverse and wonderfully varied.

As I watch you looking out the window, I hope this first trip out of state will the first of many. The love of travel is one of the greatest gifts I want to leave you with. Travel well my son.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Toddler Couch Olympics - Dear Kid

If I've told you once I've told you a thousands times to STOP jumping on the couch but do you listen?

Dear Daniel

Clearly your not listening to me. I don't know what to do. I've spoken to you nicely, I've yelled, I've firmly removed from said couch and asked you to jump on the floor. But none of that works. Still the daredevil in you prompts instant couch jumping as soon as I leave the room.

As I watch you attempt leaps, kicks and other acrobatic feats, I wonder if your training for some toddler couch Olympics I don't know about. That has to be it. Are you training in secret? Did a special note get passed to you while you were on the slide showing off you hangman skills? It's the only thing I can think of why you keep trying to give me a heartache or tempt a trip to the emergency room for a broken body part.

Well if you're getting ready for some imaginary toddler couch Olympics, from the way you've been training I'm sure you'll bring home the first prize. Then all this new gray hair I've gotten will be worth it.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Your Sebae Honors Me - Dear Kid

Words can't describe how I felt today when I saw you Sebae (Korean New Year's bow to parents).

Dear Daniel

When I planned on celebrating family day for the Korean New Year, I just wanted to share one more thing about Korean culture with you. It's my love for you that inspired me to start attending events at the Korea Society.

It's my love for you that helps me ignore the drama I get from friends and family for sharing your culture with you. It's my love for you that strengthens me when I have to be the only black mother in a room of Asian moms. It's always about my love for you....

Little did I know that today I would get that love back in an unexpected way. When we went to the Sebae section it was just about taking a photo and learning about the tradition.

When the man sitting there offered to teach you how to bow, I was surprised. Honestly I didn't think you'd let him teach you. Then when you tried to get away by squirming around I figure that was the end of it. But for some reason that only you know, you changed your mind.

As the women, also sitting there, instructed me to take off my shoes and sit down, the man moved you into position. As I watched you kneel down and figure out what to do, my heart ache with the joy of it. As your little body bowed down I nearly cried.

I chose to cheer and praise you instead for being such a good son. In a room filled with Korean's my blasian son gave me honor as his black mother.

I'm not sure what the people in the room thought about us, and to be honest I dont really care. Because in that one moment all the stress, fears, and tears that I've had to deal with from the moment I saw those two pink lines didn't matter.

All that mattered is a mothers love for her son was being returned and honored with that one simple gesture of bowing.

Happy Korean New Year my son.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Limiting the pediatrician visits - Dear Kid

Once again we're sitting in the pediatrician office waiting to be seen. No offense but I'm not please to be here...again...so soon.

Dear Daniel

Just last month we had to come in for a visit for the gash on your chin, now we're here because of your irritated and swollen eye. Never mind the fall you took this week where you bruised and bloodied your lip.

Listen, while I'm grateful to have access to medical care for general health check ups and in cases of an emergency, that doesn't mean I enjoy the process to see your pediatrician. Not to mention she's going to start wondering what I'm doing to you to require frequent doctor visits. *groan*

And that's the other thing. Despite my best intentions you keep developing daredevil tendencies. Really how many times I have I told you to stop running around the apartment?!

As if that's not bad enough, your need to try and climb anything including the walls coupled with your developing NOT listening to me skills, is going to really earn us some frequent visitors points at the pediatrician office and emergency room.

Again, while I'm happy to ensure your well being and take you to the emergency room to fix-up any damages, I'm asking if we can keep these visit to a minimum. We still have many years ahead of us so lets work on spacing out these doctor visits ok?

Love you always,
Your Umma

Where Ya Going - Dear Kid

Can you please tell me where you're going?! What is this new thing you're doing when we go to the playground?

Dear Daniel

Usually it's just a matter of choosing what area you want to play in. It's funny to watch you check out the different areas to see what happening. Are you really trying to decide if you should join that group of kids by the slide or swings?

Maybe you are. I'm not sure. Eventually you'll decide and off you go to play till it's time to go.

But recently I've noticed you like to run off to seek some adventure in another play area without telling me! I've had many a panicking moment to see you running AWAY from where I JUST left you.

Thankfully I'm only a few feet away but still. Not all playgrounds are as open as the one where we live.

Just yesterday you left one area to go exploring by the adult area. Argh!

As I ran after you...gosh you're fast...you disappeared around the corner of a building. You disappeared! I had to run in the opposite direction to intercept you.

My heart prayed that no one grabbed you along the way at some secret door. Thankfully I made around the corner in time to "catch" you.

Now what was behind that little moment of you "adventuring" off on your own? You wanted to see the basketball game happening in the adult area! *faints*

Love you always,

Your Umma

Daredevil in Training - Dear Kid

I'm not sure when it came into your little head that you could be a mini daredevil.

Dear Daniel

I certainly didn't mention it to you or encourge any daredevil like actions. Yet there you are trying to test the limits of your balance and strengh. I should also mention your testing the limits of my nerves. I'm starting to be a nervous wreck!

As I stand watching you, I see your moments of plotting to do a mini daredevil trick. I see you eyeing the top of the bigger slide wondering how to get up there. I see you eyeing the bigger swings wondering if you can make a dash towards it before I catch you.

As you make these decesion to climb down, up and all around the big areas, your determined to do it alone. No help from mommy is needed. I'm amazed at you and your actions...and your inistance, in the form of wiggling and running away, that I leave you alone.

What are you thinking about when you take that step off the edge? I hold my breath for the fall and crying...but they dont come. You take the step, hang there for a few seconds and then you're down. Even after a stumble, fall or scrape you're right back trying to perfect your system of tricks. With each sucessful daredevil action you proudly smile and clap to yourself.



In support, I clap and smile also at your success. But I also hold back a few tears at yet another system of actions taking you futher away from being my baby and closer to being an independant little boy.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Bitter Sweet Sunset - Dear Kid

I had such a great time exploring Riverbank State park with you today.

Dear Daniel

It's always wonderful to see your excitement when we go somewhere new. As I watched you discover all the things to do in the park, I thought about your dad and how today could have been different.

I wondered if I cheated you somehow by not staying with your dad. My mind firmly reminds me that I did the best thing for you long term. Yet at moments like these my heart breaks when I think how much your dad is missing out...and maybe in some ways you are missing out also. Your dad and I loved sitting in the park and watching the sun set the same way we did today.

As we sit watching the sunset, I know your dad would have enjoyed spending this day with us....with you. He would have laughed, cheered and been proud at the things you did today. He would have sat with you on the grass and told you stories of his childhood. At that point I would have bopped him because his childhood stores are filled with mischief. I don't want him giving you any ideas!

Despite the way things are now between your dad and I, one day I hope you'll understand that he did want and love you. He was excited about the idea of you from the early moments we talked about starting a family. We'd day dream about life with you all the time. Matter of fact, when I said we'd have a girl, he was the one who always said you'd be a boy. No matter what I said, he knew you'd be you :)

But still as we leave the park, only one hand holds your little one when it should have been two. Maybe one day this will change. Maybe one day your dad and I will find a way to reconnect him, you and me. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way I promise you'll always have my hand holding onto yours.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Stop Food Fight - Dear Kid

When will we stop the food fight? I'm beyond tired of you say "NO" to me while Im trying to feed you.

Dear Daniel

Further I don't think it's cute that you're now "hiding" from the food. Meal times is not hide and seek time. Honestly I cant believe we're having such an issue.

People told me this time would come but I didn't believe it. You've always liked food and ate well. So to think there would be a time when you would refuse food? Not going to happen I told myself. Yet here we are at each meal time having this power struggle.

The books and experts say it's about you wanting to feel more control of things. *sigh* Trust me kid, you have control over more things then you know. Do we have to fight in the food area?

I worry that all these missed meals will harm your development. You're still young and need the nourishment that food provides. I'm scared that you'll miss some vital nutrition and have a problem later in life. *sigh* This fear has driven me to

• Make multi meals in the hope that you might eat one.
• Make all sorts of weird yummy sounds to encourage you to take a spoon
• Come up with creative ways to combine everything for those rare moments I can get 3 whole spoons of food into you before you go back on strike

From Nov 2009 to now it feels that this battle has been going on a bit long. At least in my mommy mind. How much more kid?

As I watch you run around and get into mischief, you don't seem to be affected by the missed meals. But I still worry. So can we find a way to call a food truce? Is there some kind of war time eating agreement we both can settle on? As I once again enter the battlefield...with this plate of chicken and rice...I hope we can. Soon!

Love you always,
Your Umma

For the Love of Nursing - Dear Kid

This morning we had another wrestling sessions over you wanting to nurse and me not letting you.

Dear Daniel

I cant figure out what happened to the self weaning stage you went thru a few months back. We were doing so well. You were down to just night time nursing and some nights didn't even need it. But after the move we're back to you trying to nurse all the time. Hmm.

Please try and understand it's not that mommy doesn't want to comfort you. I know you nurse when your upset about something but we need to find other ways to calm you. I've tried hugging and rocking, singing and dancing ad even as a last resort...bribing with raisins. So far your favorite soothing method is the raisins but they will only last 1.05oz worth. Hmm

So for now we'll negotiate the nursing schedule. I'll allow it at night so I don't have to worry what the neighbors think of a child crying his headoff. Plus I want to get some sleep. But you have to ease up on the reaching in my shirt to grab a boobie when we're outside. Deal?

Love you always,
Your Umma

You are a great kid - Dear Kid

You're a great kid! From day one you started out this way.

Dear Daniel

You were such a great baby. You had your own sleeping schedule and hardly stayed awake all night. I didn't have the long months of crying and fussiness other moms spoke about. You ate well and took to breastfeeding with no issue. Later you took to solid foods also without issue. As long as I kept the snacks coming you were happy :)

Now your a toddler and still a great kid! Yes like other toddlers you test your boundaries and love doing all things your not suppose to do. Yes, like other toddlers you can have meltdowns and temper tantrums.

But even with all that...your still a great kid. Your meltdowns and tantrums hardly last a few minutes and after you always come to give me a hug and kiss. I learned this is your way of saying sorry mommy.

But the best part so far is your love of travel. :) Like your mommy you love being out and about.

Traveling with you is a joy. This might be because you started traveling with me when you were 3 days old. You always get comments on how well behaved you are...and it's true.

Like most kids you love running around and sneaking things when your mom isn't looking. But unlike most kids you behave and listen when you need to. Maybe this might change later. But even so, I've learned enough about you to know that you'll still be a great kid! ;)

Love you always,
Your Umma

Your imagination - Dear Kid

How adorable that your learning to use your imagination more and more each day.

Dear Daniel

I love watching you pretend to talk on the phone using all kinds of different objects. Yes even the tv remote control.

I'm so impressed when you line objects up in rows. I watched as you group first by size, the change your mind and regroup by randomness. I confess I don't exactly understand why you insist on doing it with the shoes. But I've learned to patiently wait until your done and then put them away again.

Still, I cant figure out what's the deal with you wanting to "collect" things in one corner of the room. Is that you imaginary secret treasure area? I dunno but can you please not "collect" things your mommy needs and put them there.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Change is Good - Dear Kid

I noticed that you were getting a bit cranky and clingy as I finished packing up our things today.

Dear Daniel

I know you sense a change is happening and it might be scary. Living with my family is all that you've know during your early life. But sweetie we can't and shouldn't live with them for much longer.

I know your too young to understand about change, but it's a good and healthy part of life. Your growing and you need your own space and home. I want to give you a stable environment and life not filled with drama and stress.

This is something your dad and I didn't have while growing up and we promised to give that to you. For my part I'm going to keep that promise and finally move out and on from living with my family.

I'm excited to finally start our life as a family. It's ok that it's just the two of us.

It will be a bit rough to start but mommy promises it will get better. Have faith in me and this decision.

Now please let go of my leg so I can finish packing.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Mommy Bathroom Time - Dear Kid

It's time for you to allow mommy some private all alone bathroom time.

Dear Daniel

I understand that you like to follow me around to make sure your not missing anything exciting...or eatable. But the bathroom is/has been/and will remain off limits to you until your potty trained...or it's bath time.

Please stop trying to open the door. Please also stop banging on said door when you can't find a way to open it. Most important please stop making a scene until mommy is forced to peak out the bathroom to check that everything is OK.

I hope you will soon understand this is about mommy needing someplace where she is not being "mommy".

Love you always,
Your Umma