Letting go of final baby moments

Today as I checked my calendar I noticed that my son has turned 18 months. Wow. Just 6 more months and he'll be 2yrs old and fully outside the "baby" stage.

In truth he's already into the toddler stage but during this twilight time frame I can still claim he's my baby. But soon I wont be able to...

As I stood there looking at my scribble in the calendar I once again started the mourning tears. Gosh I thought I dealt with this when he turned 1 yr. But here I am again shedding tears for the loss of a section of my son's babyhood.

It just seems like its all happening so fast...somehow he's picking up speed and moving further and further away from me. At this rate that dreaded day where he'll be old enough to branch out on his own will be here before I'm prepared.

Lawd help this mother cope!

Why all the worry and sadness? Well, it's not like my family has prepared me for dealing with this.

It's sad to say but my family has issues of codependency.

Branching out on your own as an independent is sorta frowned upon. Heck, its downright discouraged. We haven't been taught the healthiness of becoming your own person.

I had to leave home at 18, damn near run away, to discover who I am as a person...separate from my family and their expectations.

I don't want that to happen to my son. I want him to become his own little entity without hangups. With each developmental stage I want to be proud and supportive as he takes steps to find his place in the world.

So I shed my tears and mourn my loss, but I do not try to hold on...

Change is Good - Dear Kid

I noticed that you were getting a bit cranky and clingy as I finished packing up our things today.

Dear Daniel

I know you sense a change is happening and it might be scary. Living with my family is all that you've know during your early life. But sweetie we can't and shouldn't live with them for much longer.

I know your too young to understand about change, but it's a good and healthy part of life. Your growing and you need your own space and home. I want to give you a stable environment and life not filled with drama and stress.

This is something your dad and I didn't have while growing up and we promised to give that to you. For my part I'm going to keep that promise and finally move out and on from living with my family.

I'm excited to finally start our life as a family. It's ok that it's just the two of us.

It will be a bit rough to start but mommy promises it will get better. Have faith in me and this decision.

Now please let go of my leg so I can finish packing.

Love you always,
Your Umma

Start of self potty training

My son is jumping around and then runs over to the bathroom trying to open door. WTH?

I had to ask him in jest, you wanna go potty?

About 3 min later. I smell the result of poo in diaper. He DID have to go potty.

Jokes on me that my 17month son is self potty training!

Rebooting angel kid and all my files

How did my son start off the day being a little angel only to end it as a little devil? When did someone switch my sweet little boy and replaced him with a bundle of mischief?!

The day started so good. Daniel kept my company while I made breakfast and planned the days activity. He sat so nicely reading while I ran around getting things ready.

Then later when we went to the post office. I am so proud that Daniel is turning more into a big boy. Our post office trip was the first time WITHOUT the stroller.

Yup, Daniel walked from where we lived to the post office. He held my hand and walked along for all of the 5 blocks.

Then he stood nice on line at the post office. That is until he decided I needed forms for my packages. Then off he went to get them. He was so wonderful trying to help by getting me forms for my packages.

True I didn't need any of the forms, but I didn't want to point that out. I didn't mind the running back and forth cause it kept him happy and quiet. LOL

Also, his running around provided entertainment for the other people waiting on line. We all laughed as we watched Daniel and forgot about how long we were waiting.

So after all that how did things take a turn to the worse?

I became so angry tonight, I wanted to take him to his father's job and drop him off for a long while. Why? Because, while I was in another room, my son snuck over to the computer and rebooted it. Again. This time somehow the reboot reformatted my USB drive that was still attached.

I check the USB drive as many different ways I could think of but nothing, nada, zip, no files. I didn't know what to do. 100's of photos, documents, vids and projects I had started and hoped to finish deleted. Just. Like. That. I was so angry.

After few hours I realized a few things.

• First and foremost, Daniel is banned from touching the PC whenever I'm working on it.
• Second, is that I'm more sad about losing memories and moments in Daniel life.

Yes, I'm sad about losing photos and info from blog events but I can find a work around for that. There is no work around for losing that moment when Daniel discovery a leaf for the first time. *sniff*

But this is the life we live. Things are not guaranteed. We can try to save moments in different ways but the best way to remember something is by living in that moment and not waiting to enjoy later.

Life might be rebooted for you and then what?

Mommy Bathroom Time - Dear Kid

It's time for you to allow mommy some private all alone bathroom time.

Dear Daniel

I understand that you like to follow me around to make sure your not missing anything exciting...or eatable. But the bathroom is/has been/and will remain off limits to you until your potty trained...or it's bath time.

Please stop trying to open the door. Please also stop banging on said door when you can't find a way to open it. Most important please stop making a scene until mommy is forced to peak out the bathroom to check that everything is OK.

I hope you will soon understand this is about mommy needing someplace where she is not being "mommy".

Love you always,
Your Umma

I'm His Mommy, Not His Nanny

Hello, out there! I am the half Korean/half black mother of a 2 year old boy. My son's father is Scottish and Assyrian. My son is a delectable mix of us both and his heritages show on his beautiful face.

Guest Writer: Sheila Greene-Dartley

I'm finally getting around to posting (thanks to Nikki for inviting me) and am sorry it took me so long. I used to blog quite often before I had my son, but now that he's a toddler and asserting his independence, I'm allowed the odd moment to myself.

I live in a predominantly melanin-deficient area of NYC where most of the non-white/namely black-and-brown faces you see belong to either home caretakers or nannies. Nevermind that grew up here- that I have lived in the same place for 30+ years of my life. This is all irrelevant because people just can't imagine that I could possibly live here, or that my son, who incidentally looks just like me, is my son.

I've had more than a few incidences that got my blood boiling. One of my favorites (and the most recent) happened about a month ago. I was in the playground with my son and was supervising him as he climbed on a structure. There were many kids climbing too. This woman comes over with her son and starts saying to me, "Oh, I know his parents" as she gestures to a child who, of course is not my son. I just say, "Oh...okay...." and go about my business. Then she says, "Are you with him?" - meaning the little boy. I tell her that no, I am with him, gesturing toward William. I assume that she'll "get" that William is my son, being that he looks like me and all. She asks me if he has a brother and I tell her he doesn't, thinking that's the end of the conversation.

A few days later, we're in the same playground. This time my husband, who is white, is with me. I sit down on the benches (William had broken my toe...!) and William and my husband play together about 2 yards away from me. The same women ambles by with her son and starts talking to my husband. It went something like this (some paraphrasing, but this is the jist):

Woman: Oh, I saw him the other day (meaning William). Does he have a brother?
Husband: No, he doesn't.
Woman: Oh- there's a little boy who looks just like him. I was talking to his babysitter the other day...
Husband: Maybe you mean his grandmother...? (He'd heard the story from me already and knew where this was going but was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt)
Woman: (insistent) No, no...his babysitter...

...and me, sitting about 2 yards away on the bench. So not only am I the babysitter, but I'm the faceless babysitter.

Some people don't get my outrage about this. They don't understand how annoying it is when people think that your child, the one that you birthed with your own body, is not your own. It's hurtful, angering and frustrating.

If you're not the mother of a biracial/multiracial child/non-white child, then try to open your mind and your eyes a bit before you comment.

Why a box to check doesn't matter

Recently, a friend of mine asked me what I wanted my children to consider themselves as in race. I told her in my home I have no box to check for race...you are who you are.

Guest Writer: Yun Grant

This conversation got me thinking that as they got older they will need to check a box whether for employment or for medical reasons.

I want my children to grow up knowing that they are in fact a person and not defined by "box" to check for race. Yes, they are half West Indian and half Korean, BUT that is only their heritage.

They are BLACK when it comes to the color of their skin. When people look at them, they will see black children...yes they look mixed, but everyone will know that they are BLACK.

I want them to love their black skin, the texture of their hair, their beautiful full lips and noses...everything that makes them unique and beautiful.

What I do not want is for them to feel shunned by the Korean community because they do not have the fair skin, flat faces, and pin straight hair. I do not want them feeling as though they are beneath anyone.

My children are not denying me or my heritage. They are just being themselves. They are being who we, my husband and I, are raising them to be.

I don't feel jilted in any way. I am, however, proud to be their mother.

Conclusion of the Dol Janji Search

So after all the back and forth with Paula in Korea, the running around in H-Mart Korean supermarkets and stores, the hours of online research plus bugging all my friends for any info about these items....I have finally decided to give up.  

While it was fun to go shopping and surf online for info, ultimately I was repeatedly coming to semi-dead ends.  No matter how hopefully a lead was,  I still couldn't find the actual items here in the USA.

How is that possible anyway?  I looked everywhere and asked everyone I could think of...still nothing.  I can not understand why the Dol Janji are not found in one of the NYC korean towns.

I mean I know those korean parents do something for their kids 1st birthday!

So in the end I came back to the same choice I started with...I could pay the $50 dollar shipping to have Paula ship what she found to me...something she kept trying to talk me out of...or I could just find some items myself and do a homemade tol ceremony, like all my asian friends suggested.

As I think about it, this seems the way to go...I can still honor Daniel's korean heritage plus save some money.  Which is a very good thing since I have so little of it these days. 

Is that your baby supermarket edition

So after the park, I stopped in the supermarket for a forgotten item, went to the check out and the cashier started the "is that your baby"

This is the third time for day, so I say yes quickly hoping she'll hurry up cause baby and I are tired and want to go home and nap. No luck

Homegirl decided to make a whole conversation outta how my son doesn't look like me.

Her: "He must look like his dad right?"
Me: I ignore her.

But she's the clueless type cause despite me clearly ignoring her, she asks again two more times! I finally said, no my son looks like me.

She looks at me with an attitude cause I guess she's not happy with my answer and says, "I don't think so, he doesn't looks anything like you."

Now like I said this is the 3rd time for today plus I'm tired so I stood there tempted to jump over the counter and bop her real good.

But no, instead I started chanting to myself, the power of buddha compels you, the power of buddha compels you, don't do it, don't do it.

And I just said I didn't ask you now did I? Then took my stuff and came home.

Weekend Adventure at H-Mart

Today we journeyed to NJ to do some shopping and visit with Auntie/ Mommy Lai. Last time we saw her Daniel was just about 3 months or so.

We kept making plans but either the weather, schedule conflict or just being to sleepy kept us from meeting.

But when I asked Lai where in NJ is an H-mart, she said about 15min from her. Well, I'm all for killing two birds with one stone so we planned to combine shopping  and an overdue visit.

Caught Between a Mommy Rock and Hard Place

After a change of plans, I wondered how I could spend the rest of my day. I was already outside and the day was so beautiful and warm. Daniel was enjoying it and looked so cute in his fisherman hat. A true shame to return home now.

So I thought, since we're already in downtown brooklyn,  we should go hangout on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade. That would be a great way to destress, try to tan Daniel and of course get a photo.

On the way I stopped in a neighborhood store for some refreshment.  I grab my drink and head up to the counter to pay.

Ironically it's a Korean owned store with a older Korean women at the counter. As I'm paying the women starts talking to Daniel.  Then she starts a convo with me

Korean counter lady: What's the name
Me: Daniel
Korean counter lady:  Oh, it's a boy
Me: *frown*  yes he's a boy
Korean counter lady: Oh so cute.
Me:  Thank you. Say Annyeong Haseyo Daniel *paying and getting ready to leave*
Korean counter lady: Oh he's Japanese
Me: *blink, blink*  No he's korean...well really Korean and Black *pointing to Daniel and then myself*
Korean counter lady: *stares at me* Uh huh

As I left the store I laughed at the thought of the Korean counter lady telling her family about the black women who came into the store with a Japanese child trying to say first he was HER baby and then he was black AND korean.

As we rolled onto the promenade I saw a mixed group of women with children.  One group of mothers with their kids. The other group of babysitters with their kids.

Where would I sit? Who can I be friendly with? Honestly I stood there for a few seconds cause I was struck with the option and what it might led to.

If I sit with the moms will they wonder why a baby sitter is in the mommy section? Will I have to explain in detail with DNA diagrams how genetics work and YES he really is my baby? Hmm

If I sit with the babysitters will they shun me after learning I am not part of the "lets complain about our bosses" club? Will I need to convince them that I'm not a spy and I'm just a regular person like them? Hmm

As I stood there looking at them, they sat there looking me waiting for me to choose an alliance. Hmm.

I'm wasn't up to dealing with the social politics today so I made my way to an empty bench away from both groups.  There I enjoyed the sun, the smell of the sea and Daniels warm baby kisses.  What a great end to the day.

Brag about your blog day

Today on twitter everyone was invite to brag about our blogs. Well of course I had to surf over.

It's true I have not updated this blog recently but I still have lots to brag about. I'm amazed anyone still vists here and leaves me comments. 

But I have to say, it's a great feeling to know something as simple as this blog and my kooky thoughts can have such a powerful effect on other people. That was what I wrote about during my 5 seconds of fame. I re-posted my comment below.

I love SO many things about my blogs Blasian Baby Notes and Daniels 365

First I love that their mini memory book for the events in my son’s life. Children grow so much in the first year of their life that you can’t keep up with everything…unless you have a blog.

Second, I love that visitors to my blogs form a community in some many different ways. I never thought having a biracial child would be the main connection with me and so many moms and dads. Since my son is black and asian = blasian, I have an automatic connection to those two communities. But I’m also connected to any person black, asian, white, hispanic, etc that loves children and cares about the issues that affect them.

Lastly, thru my blogs I become a voice… an activist… a face for black mothers who date, marry and raise families that step outside the mainstream norm of what is expected of us.

Viva la difference!

Sometimes nursing wins

So for the morning nap I decided to carryover the night "cry it out" training into daytime. When I saw my son getting sleepy I moved him into the bedroom where it's quiet and the light are subdued.

I started to nurse him and when I noticed he starting to nod off, I shifted him into the playard. I sat next to him on the bed and waited for the crying to start.

Well he just laid there for a few seconds, smiled at me and then started rolling all over the playard.

*sigh*

OK, so a little activity isn't bad if he needs it to go to sleep right? Well after about 10 minutes I noticed this activity wasn't getting him any closer to sleep...

If anything I was the one getting sleepy. So I picked him up and started a second round of nursing.

This time I just let him fall asleep fully, before I put him back in the playard. I have too many things to try and do today to wait the 45 minutes for him to sleep when I can knock him out in 10 minutes with boobie.

I guess we're back to only night time "crying it out" training for now.