Thoughts toddler winter arts & crafts

Today at my son's daycare/preschool they had a winter festive with different arts and crafts for the kids. The parents were invited to tag along.

But after all the days and half days I took at work to do things for Daniel, my boss was done. No chance of her allowing me to leave early yet again.

So no arts and crafts for me. Thankfully Daniel was able to bring home all the crafts he did during the festival and share with me.

In the below video, I take them out one by one to share with you :) Hands down my favorite is the winter photo frame. :)

My Son's Winter Arts & Crafts Blasian Baby Notes



At the end of this vlog I shared my thoughts on how I feel as a working who misses school events like this. It's very hard to deal with when I can't be there to do school activities with my son. I always want to be there for my son but I know I need keep working to support us.

My only other choice is to find a rich man and becomes a house wife...not likely to happen....

Being a working mom can be frustrating at times like these. I know more moments like this will come as my son grows and his school require more parent interaction and support. Sometimes I wonder what schoosl think? Don't they know parents need to work to pay for school fees and trip cost?! How can I do both things?! Ugh

But then I remind myself I can only do what I can. Sometimes he's going to have me there and sometimes he's not.

Hopefully for those moments when I'm not there for some activity, we can share what he did after. During the "after" moments I can Oh and AH and I can tell him how proud I am of him.

Hopefully being there "after" can be just as good. Hopefully.

The Reality of Being A Mom Blogger

Me a famous mom blogger? A friend of mine teases me by calling me that. Some people might think I am based on things I've done, places I've gone and people I've met. But this is SO not my reality. I am far from being a "famous" mom blogger.

It's weird to live one way but have people see my life in a totally different way. I think it's all about the perception.

I was laughing with another blogger friend that people need to understand that I'm still black and struggling. I'm still the same at the end of the day.

Yes I attended a fancy media event for a large company. Yes I rubbed shoulders with Presidents of companies and famous "mom" bloggers. Yes, I get to shake hands and take photos with celebrity moms. But all of that is just for 2 hours! Don't be fooled by it all folks.

After that I come back home to my little studio apartment in Harlem (before it use to be a room I shared with family). I'm not hanging out with these people on the weekends. No celebrities are calling me to have brunch and a chat pool side. I still get my own groceries, do my own laundry and face the same struggles to make ends meet like other single moms.

People need to understand that I'm not making loads of money from blogging. Heck at the end of last month I barely paid all my bills. When I tell ya'll barely, I mean barely.

Matter of fact, it cost me money and time to attend a blogger event. While a few events do provide a meal and care service, most don't so I have to pay my own transportation and food.

As for all expense paid blogger trips...I can't really speak about those. Yes, it's true I went on that Disney World trip but that was something out of a fairytale and amazing. Trips like that are not a regular thing. I still wonder what little wonderful bird told them to invite me for something like that. LOL.

But in my everyday life the reality is...my true focus is on providing for my son. My fame and status comes from being the best mother I can for him. My online friends tease me about being "famous" in connection with the blasian term and for blogging about Daniel. LOL. I doubt I'll be "famous" for being a mom blogger.

Do I mind? Not really.

While the life of a "famous" mom blogger looks very appealing with all the trips, products and meeting famous people, my peek into that world taught me, in order to fit in, you have to live up to certain demands.

As we all know I'm not one for fitting into demanding situations. LOL. So, for now I'm happy being just semi-famous.

My genghis khan valentine

So it's Valentines Day now. Many couples are getting their gifts ready and making last minute plans. I am doing neither of those. But don't feel sad for me.

It's by choice that I'm still single this Valentine's. While I did set my self up for a date by placing dating ads and joining a few dating sites...I have yet to follow up on either.

Let me be honest here...Im not an easy women to date or woo. A man has to be strong within himself to stand by my side. I've been at this dating process a LONG time in between husbands #1 and #2. I know what I want AS a women. I also know what some men IN a women.

Now that I've become a mother, potential dates are screen through my "mommy" microscope. While I'm willing to easy up in some areas, in others area I'm hardier to impress. The happiness of my son is foremost. So finding husband #3 is going to take some work.

What really am I looking for? I've watched and listened as other women expound on who mister right is for them. A lot of it is based on being rescued by love or having undying love that follows them. Mister right comes INTO their lives and everything changes. Hmm.

Recently I watched the Mongol: The Rise of Genghis Khan (www.mongolmovie.com). As I watched it I started thinking that's the KIND of man I seek. No not specifically an man of Mongolian decent or even an Asian man to be more specific. It's NOT about a man's race, it's IS about a man's spirit. I want a man who will change the world for love.

In the movie, the driving force behind the man who would become the powerful Genghis Khan...is the love of his wife and his children. The most powerful scene happens in the simplest way...

Temüjin: "I have names for the sons you will bear me"
Börte: "Do you know the Mongols"

Then she goes on to tell him all the bad things the Mongol tribes have been doing since he was sold into slavery...his reply?

Temüjin: *after thinking for a while* I know what to do with the Mongols.

Then he rides away...mind you he was just reunited with his family. Yet wanting to make the world a better place for them moves him to act. In that acting he became powerful.

Now how many men asking me for a date has potential to be moved in that way? Some might say I'm asking too much. But I am already in the process of trying to change the world based on love for my son.

I realized that the act of loving someone isn't just about having them come into my life. After your in my life and have become part of it...then what?!

Learning how to parent alone

Parenting alone is a scary thing. I'll be the first to admit it. Yes, I did choose to be a single parent, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Parenting is still hard work!

Now that Daniel and I are "officially" on our own, after moving away from my family, I'm trying to learn to do things on my own as a parent.

In one ways it's a wonderful thing to be free to train and raise my son in my own way. No more bickering about what he's eating, wearing, or doing. The first and final say is mine!

But in other ways it's a little stressful not to have a little backup when I need it. Now if I need something from the store I have to dress Daniel and take him. Doesn't matter if it's cold, rainy or late night.

Also what little free time I use to have is all gone. From morning to night Daniel demands my attention. Now I am his sole distraction and playmate.

The one area I find this being a real problem is when I need to blog. Trying to develop a thought has become a challenge when I constantly have to stop and tend to him in some way.

Writing one blog use to take me a few hours now it takes me a whole day. Since I'm already backup in some areas blog-wise you can see how frustrating this is becoming.

Some paying blog projects have deadlines and if I cant meet the deadlines then there's no payment. That's not acceptable.

As a single parent one of the scariest things is the fear I can't provide for my son. From food to medical I need to be able to cover these basics. If I can't then panic will set in.

Matter of fact Linda, a blog friend, who's a single mom through adoption, recently wrote "Therapy Thursday - Are my Hot Thoughts Killing Me" about having such a panic attack when she couldn't find a medical bill to pay. (www.newyorkcitysinglemom.com/2010/01/therapy-thursday-are-my-hot-thoughts.html)

In that blog Linda outline some ways to focus and reduce the panicking feeling when going through an anxiety attack.

I found that info so helpful. As a single mom I do need "tools" to help me figure things out. What I learned from my own family wont work for us since I want to parent differently.

I want to learn how to parent so I can figure out what works best for MY family.

Being selfish: the resolution

So I recently joined Write-Of-Passage in harmony with my 2010 resolution to be more selfish. This year I want to turn the focus back towards my creative self. I know it sounds bad but really being selfish can be a good thing. Almost life saving if you think about it.

Little by little over the years I learned about being selfish. When people think of the term, idea, action of selfishness it's in a negative way. To withhold in some manner is frown upon.

But sometimes you need to withhold, sometimes it's better to keep for yourself, to put your interest first before others. Over the years I learned the hard way that giving without recharging will leave me...empty. If I'm empty then what good am I?

This year I want to live a selfish life. I want to return to putting myself and my interest before others. As a creative person my first aim is to pursue my goals, to give reality to my dreams and hopes. That is the one true purpose of my life. If I use most of myself doing something not related...then I am not living.

Since becoming a mother I've really been struggling with this concept. Motherhood can be considered the most unselfish role a woman can take upon herself. For years your life revolves around the needs of this little person. But for me I also see a way to pursue my goals.

My son has cemented my connection to a community I was only somewhat related to. While I shared the goal for awareness and support for the Asian and Black community, if I wasn't dating an asian man the issues didn't impact me as much.

But now I have a child who is a blend of both worlds. The need for awareness and support is woven into his life.

As his mother his needs has become my needs. This year I put our needs first! I will make the promotion of this blog, as well as our community blog, where I put my energy.

I will build a more aware world for my son. I will be selfish so my son can live as a regular person and not a rarity.

The breast feeding countdown

While breast-feeding today I struggled to get my son to stay on the breast longer then a few scattered minutes. He's always distracted by something he sees or hears which makes it struggle some days.

As he tried to see what's happening on the computer screen...don't know what he was looking for cause nothing was happening.... I asked him not to waste my milk cause I don't produce as much as I use to.  It's in short supply these days. Sayn that statement aloud gave me pause and then made me very sad cause it's very true.  
 
Ever since Daniel discover food he's more interested in eating then nursing during the day. I still try to keep the nursing bond going. I enjoy that special time for just him and I.

I typically try for the minimum of 10mintues hoping it will be enough to keep my milk going till he reaches the one year mark.  But it's getting less and less as he grows, cause he nurses more for comfort then he does for feeding.

I've tried pumping to keep the supply up but ran into a struggle with him taking a bottle. In the end all that pumping, storing, freezing and whatnot seemed like to much trouble.  So here I am counting the days down

I guess the thing that bothers me is my changing role in this.  From conception I've been the one whose provided nourishment directly from my body.  For 10 months my mind was trained to eat well cause I have to feed the baby.  Then once my son was born I may have changed how I fed him, but it was still directly from my body. Also the healthy eating mindset was still in place. I needed to watch what I eat and drank cause I feed the baby.

But now the baby is learning to feed himself.  I am no longer the provider of direct nourishment.  This makes me very sad and I'm struggling with my role change. I always want to be able to provide for my son.

While I comfort myself with the fact I still feed him and will for a long time to come...my plate is his taste testing ground...the food connection we share is now on a different level.

I understand this is part of him growing up and becoming an independent individual.  I mean how many breast-feeding adult men do I know...not counting the perverts...still it's another sad mommy moment for me.

Getting a drink for thirsty soul

I feel my soul is thirsty. Like I've been walking in a desert of my life but didn't stop from time to time to drink anything refreshing. It's been a mixture of my fault and just the ways of life.

I did not realize how much being a mom takes out of you.

I'm not talking about caring for the baby. I was prepared for that part.

I was not prepared for the emotional part.

From dealing with changes in my body to the labor and delivery to caring for a newborn to trying to train a infant and on and on and on...Add to it the stress other people bring me from all sorts of crazy angles. The emotional toll at every stage is confounding.

Somedays it's a struggle just to remember to shower and use the bathroom much less pay bills, answer emails or work on projects long in a state of de-funk. As my son grows he need more and more from me but I'm low if not empty already.

I keep telling myself...you need a break, you need some time to re-charge but when, where, how?

One of the biggest things I miss is writing. Everyday I swear to write even if it's a few sentences just to save memories along with my sanity. But everyday night passes without me writing.

As I lay down sentences run thru my head but I lack the will power to grab one of the myriads of notebooks I leave around me for that very purpose. With the morning comes the loss of the previous day story, memories, thoughts, observations, life notes.

It frustrates me but it's no one fault. There's just not enough time or energy or whatever it was I had before.

But I don't want to lose my chances anymore...I want to take my life notes, I want to clear the clutter in my head. I want to save memories for my son.

So I got up this morning at 3 am and became determined to write... to take a sip ... hoping that the taste will soothe me enough to help me come back and keep drinking. It feels good, nice and cool for my over heated and dehydrated spirit.

The feel of the keys, the comforting click and clack, the moving text on the screen that shows I still have thoughts, words, essence.

My son has awoken...probably due to lack of a warm body next to him or maybe the change in my energy. He's very aware of energy my little one.

Normally I would stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs right away but I feel different this morning. His emotional need is just to see me...all of his physical needs were already taken care off.

So I place him in a stroller so he can see me while I rebuild myself, while I breathe, while I literally cry with sheer joy for this moment of me...until he decided he wanted to type also and grabs for the keyboard.