I'm His Mommy, Not His Nanny

Hello, out there! I am the half Korean/half black mother of a 2 year old boy. My son's father is Scottish and Assyrian. My son is a delectable mix of us both and his heritages show on his beautiful face.

Guest Writer: Sheila Greene-Dartley

I'm finally getting around to posting (thanks to Nikki for inviting me) and am sorry it took me so long. I used to blog quite often before I had my son, but now that he's a toddler and asserting his independence, I'm allowed the odd moment to myself.

I live in a predominantly melanin-deficient area of NYC where most of the non-white/namely black-and-brown faces you see belong to either home caretakers or nannies. Nevermind that grew up here- that I have lived in the same place for 30+ years of my life. This is all irrelevant because people just can't imagine that I could possibly live here, or that my son, who incidentally looks just like me, is my son.

I've had more than a few incidences that got my blood boiling. One of my favorites (and the most recent) happened about a month ago. I was in the playground with my son and was supervising him as he climbed on a structure. There were many kids climbing too. This woman comes over with her son and starts saying to me, "Oh, I know his parents" as she gestures to a child who, of course is not my son. I just say, "Oh...okay...." and go about my business. Then she says, "Are you with him?" - meaning the little boy. I tell her that no, I am with him, gesturing toward William. I assume that she'll "get" that William is my son, being that he looks like me and all. She asks me if he has a brother and I tell her he doesn't, thinking that's the end of the conversation.

A few days later, we're in the same playground. This time my husband, who is white, is with me. I sit down on the benches (William had broken my toe...!) and William and my husband play together about 2 yards away from me. The same women ambles by with her son and starts talking to my husband. It went something like this (some paraphrasing, but this is the jist):

Woman: Oh, I saw him the other day (meaning William). Does he have a brother?
Husband: No, he doesn't.
Woman: Oh- there's a little boy who looks just like him. I was talking to his babysitter the other day...
Husband: Maybe you mean his grandmother...? (He'd heard the story from me already and knew where this was going but was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt)
Woman: (insistent) No, no...his babysitter...

...and me, sitting about 2 yards away on the bench. So not only am I the babysitter, but I'm the faceless babysitter.

Some people don't get my outrage about this. They don't understand how annoying it is when people think that your child, the one that you birthed with your own body, is not your own. It's hurtful, angering and frustrating.

If you're not the mother of a biracial/multiracial child/non-white child, then try to open your mind and your eyes a bit before you comment.

Why a box to check doesn't matter

Recently, a friend of mine asked me what I wanted my children to consider themselves as in race. I told her in my home I have no box to check for race...you are who you are.

Guest Writer: Yun Grant

This conversation got me thinking that as they got older they will need to check a box whether for employment or for medical reasons.

I want my children to grow up knowing that they are in fact a person and not defined by "box" to check for race. Yes, they are half West Indian and half Korean, BUT that is only their heritage.

They are BLACK when it comes to the color of their skin. When people look at them, they will see black children...yes they look mixed, but everyone will know that they are BLACK.

I want them to love their black skin, the texture of their hair, their beautiful full lips and noses...everything that makes them unique and beautiful.

What I do not want is for them to feel shunned by the Korean community because they do not have the fair skin, flat faces, and pin straight hair. I do not want them feeling as though they are beneath anyone.

My children are not denying me or my heritage. They are just being themselves. They are being who we, my husband and I, are raising them to be.

I don't feel jilted in any way. I am, however, proud to be their mother.

Conclusion of the Dol Janji Search

So after all the back and forth with Paula in Korea, the running around in H-Mart Korean supermarkets and stores, the hours of online research plus bugging all my friends for any info about these items....I have finally decided to give up.  

While it was fun to go shopping and surf online for info, ultimately I was repeatedly coming to semi-dead ends.  No matter how hopefully a lead was,  I still couldn't find the actual items here in the USA.

How is that possible anyway?  I looked everywhere and asked everyone I could think of...still nothing.  I can not understand why the Dol Janji are not found in one of the NYC korean towns.

I mean I know those korean parents do something for their kids 1st birthday!

So in the end I came back to the same choice I started with...I could pay the $50 dollar shipping to have Paula ship what she found to me...something she kept trying to talk me out of...or I could just find some items myself and do a homemade tol ceremony, like all my asian friends suggested.

As I think about it, this seems the way to go...I can still honor Daniel's korean heritage plus save some money.  Which is a very good thing since I have so little of it these days. 

Is that your baby supermarket edition

So after the park, I stopped in the supermarket for a forgotten item, went to the check out and the cashier started the "is that your baby"

This is the third time for day, so I say yes quickly hoping she'll hurry up cause baby and I are tired and want to go home and nap. No luck

Homegirl decided to make a whole conversation outta how my son doesn't look like me.

Her: "He must look like his dad right?"
Me: I ignore her.

But she's the clueless type cause despite me clearly ignoring her, she asks again two more times! I finally said, no my son looks like me.

She looks at me with an attitude cause I guess she's not happy with my answer and says, "I don't think so, he doesn't looks anything like you."

Now like I said this is the 3rd time for today plus I'm tired so I stood there tempted to jump over the counter and bop her real good.

But no, instead I started chanting to myself, the power of buddha compels you, the power of buddha compels you, don't do it, don't do it.

And I just said I didn't ask you now did I? Then took my stuff and came home.

Weekend Adventure at H-Mart

Today we journeyed to NJ to do some shopping and visit with Auntie/ Mommy Lai. Last time we saw her Daniel was just about 3 months or so.

We kept making plans but either the weather, schedule conflict or just being to sleepy kept us from meeting.

But when I asked Lai where in NJ is an H-mart, she said about 15min from her. Well, I'm all for killing two birds with one stone so we planned to combine shopping  and an overdue visit.

Blasian baby in the baby photo contest

I finally caving under the pressure to submit my son's photo into the Babytalk/Good Morning America cover contest for 2009. Since he was born I've heard I need to put him into contests and modeling.

I've been taking a strong stance against any of these suggestions.

Of course I think my son is adorable, and would love for the world to see his ultimate yumminess. But I'm sorta conflicted about pitting babies against each other. After all aren't all babies beautiful in there own way?

Well the answer should be yes. But it seems there's always some study done which supports popular opinion that mixed race babies are the cutest.

So can someone tell me why most baby photo contest tend to showoff mono-racial babies?

Is there a mixed race baby photo contest I'm not aware of that I should be entering? Because I'm not 100% on board with pitting my little mixie against single race babies. I don't think you can even offer a fair comparison.

I dunno...maybe I just look for issues with everything. After all this is suppose to be a positive and happy thing right? I mean if we get into the finals then we can get some great prizes along with exposure... exposure that will bring the reality of mixed race blasian babies to the masses! *insert diabolic laughter*

But wait...why is my little one the only blasian baby in this contest anyway?! I took some time to check thru the photos of the different babies just to see if I could find another biracial child.

Now I could be wrong cause some of those kids gave me pause... racial speaking...but for the sake of my argument I'm going to say I think he was the only black and asian child...so far. I can only hope I can talk another mom of a blasian into entering (www.parenting.com/babytalk/covercontes).

I feel entering this contest will be a good thing whether we win or not. If we don't put ourselves and our community out there for society to become aware then our voices and images will remain in the background. What a shame that would be.

The breast feeding countdown

While breast-feeding today I struggled to get my son to stay on the breast longer then a few scattered minutes. He's always distracted by something he sees or hears which makes it struggle some days.

As he tried to see what's happening on the computer screen...don't know what he was looking for cause nothing was happening.... I asked him not to waste my milk cause I don't produce as much as I use to.  It's in short supply these days. Sayn that statement aloud gave me pause and then made me very sad cause it's very true.  
 
Ever since Daniel discover food he's more interested in eating then nursing during the day. I still try to keep the nursing bond going. I enjoy that special time for just him and I.

I typically try for the minimum of 10mintues hoping it will be enough to keep my milk going till he reaches the one year mark.  But it's getting less and less as he grows, cause he nurses more for comfort then he does for feeding.

I've tried pumping to keep the supply up but ran into a struggle with him taking a bottle. In the end all that pumping, storing, freezing and whatnot seemed like to much trouble.  So here I am counting the days down

I guess the thing that bothers me is my changing role in this.  From conception I've been the one whose provided nourishment directly from my body.  For 10 months my mind was trained to eat well cause I have to feed the baby.  Then once my son was born I may have changed how I fed him, but it was still directly from my body. Also the healthy eating mindset was still in place. I needed to watch what I eat and drank cause I feed the baby.

But now the baby is learning to feed himself.  I am no longer the provider of direct nourishment.  This makes me very sad and I'm struggling with my role change. I always want to be able to provide for my son.

While I comfort myself with the fact I still feed him and will for a long time to come...my plate is his taste testing ground...the food connection we share is now on a different level.

I understand this is part of him growing up and becoming an independent individual.  I mean how many breast-feeding adult men do I know...not counting the perverts...still it's another sad mommy moment for me.