Avoiding a mismatched family

Today we met up with Gabe to hangout for a bit...as a family.

To be very honest I've been sorta avoiding him and the whole step family issue since our last meeting. I wasn't sure if I wanted that. To be a step family. With him.

But for months now we've been texting back and forth without a clear yes or no on the subject. With today's text to meet-up, it seemed the right moment to finally settle the issue

After meeting up we headed to the park. It was nice day to let my son run around while I discussed the future plans and goals. This would also give me a clue how Gabe and Daniel would interact.

I will spare the hours of details but it was clear to me that Gabe wasn't there to "be" with us. In truth after spending all those hours together I wasn't sure why Gabe came to meet us.

There was a distance between him and us. While I can deal with the distance between me and him, I can't deal with the distance between him and Daniel.

There was a distance between this man who wanted to be in my life and the person who was my life. A distance I didn't understand. A distance I think would always be there. A distance that made us mismatched

The step family issue has finally been settled. For now Daniel and I will remain a family of 2.

Who my baby daddy could have been

On the way to our morning activity, I passed by a man and women standing in front a building. In truth I didn't really look at them.

When I heard my name called, I looked back at the women to see if I knew her. As I stood there frowning, cause I sure didn't know her, then the guy walked into view.

As I looked at him it all came back in a rush. Ah Gabriel, my Romanian ex boyfriend!

Now it's been over 10 years since we last saw each other. We ended (sorta) our relationship on semi good terms. Our relationship didn't work because I had no interest in moving to Romain, where he was building a house and wanted to settle down and live.

Hello! I'm a black women and Romania is COLD!

But also we were at different points in our lives. He was a lil older, with a European view of life and I was a young wild new yorker, living the carefree life.

We floated back and forth into each others lives for a bit, until I married then we sorta put things on permanent pause.

Ah how things have changed. Now we're both older with kids!

As he stood there telling me about his life, I became sad. But not for him. Since the last time we saw each other, he did go through some bad times with family drama, some minor drug abuse and then being surprised with a baby.

But he shared after the birth of his daughter (who's half black) he was motivated to change his life. He cleaned things up and got his life back on track. Now things are good for him.

He finished his 3 story house in Romanian, his daughter spends half the year there, speaks better Romanians then him and is loved and accepted within his culture.

Damn. Talk about depressing!

As I stood there listening to him, I was happy for him. I really was. But I became sad for myself. Gabe had become the man my son's father should have become.

• The man who was motivated to be more after the birth of his child. In this case the child he begged me to have.
• The man who sobered up, got off drugs, got a stable job and accomplished his goals.
• The man who proudly shows off pictures of his child and brags about how well the child is learning his language and culture.
• The man I saw in him and fell in love with.

But the man standing in front of me is not my baby daddy. He's an ex who did what my son's father couldn't do. Damn.

As the conversation turned to my son and his father, what could I say? Nothing but the truth. My son's father choose to live a different lifestyle then the one we planned, so I'm doing it on my own.

Gabe shared he's also doing it on his own. He has full custody of his daughter and is single. *side eye and a wink* We should all hangout one day.

As I looked at him. I mean REALLY looked at him, I wondered....

Now that we're older and wiser in life and love, only time will tell how our renewed friendship develops. But at least he showed me that some men do change for the better after Fatherhood and there's hope for me yet.

The Pros & Cons of Dating an Older Asian Man

I've always prefer an older man. There's something about a man who's already lived life and knows what he wants. While it's usually the younger guys that try to attract my attention, I have yet to find a young guy who inspires me to be a cougar.

I tend to hold out for someone closer to my age, if not older. Recently I once again stepped back into the dating world and connected with Sam.

I met Sam when he replied to one of my personal ads. Even though we exchanged a few emails, it took about 4 months before we were finally able to make plans to meet. I confess Sam had a hard time because I went MIA for a bit.

But for some weird reason Sam kept emailing asking me to call and when I did, then he kept calling asking me to meet or at least keep in touch, till I was ready to meet.

Over the 4 months I discovered that Sam and I had lots in common. Most surprisingly we both had a blasian child. While I had a son, he had a daughter. He also had 2 Chinese American children from previous marriage. Hmm.

Despite all the kids, Sam still wanted more children and we spend some time discussing the idea of raising a family. And when I say discussing it, I mean seriously. We discussed moving out of state, how he could put in for a job transfer and how we can deal with my commitment issues. LOL.

God knows Sam was patient and forgiving when I felt he was either annoying or crowding me and should go away. He always wanted to work things out or tried to understand what was upsetting me. Which was interesting since I didn't always know why I was irritated by his attempts to build a connection with me.

These are pro of dating an older man who knows what he wants....but there was some cons also.

One issue that came up between us was the Chinese versus Korean issue. Of course this meant nothing to me. But for Sam the fact that my son was half Korean was an issue. He was concerned that he wouldn't have anything in common with my son.

Sam also had some issues with the step father idea. He didn't know if he wanted people thinking he was father to my son if all 3 of us went out. I of course thought he was crazy and explained if he had problems with my son then he need to move on to the next female. While we worked past these issues they still left a bad taste in my mouth and mind.

The next issue was more children. While I admit to the idea of wanting more children, I'm not exactly ready to run out and get pregnant with the first willing man. Sam was of the mind that sooner better then later would be best for our chances of having children. Umm. No.

While he did have a point, I have not recovered from the bitter lesson my son's father taught me. Nothing is guaranteed no matter what a person promises. I need more then a promise to "be there" before I bring another child into this world.

And that was the straw that broke this camels back. While Sam could promise to do the deed and do his best to "be there" that was about all his could promise. He already had 3 mouths to feed and his parents to care for so he was already stretched thin emotional and financial. For my part I felt my children, the one I have and the one I'm contemplating, deserves more. Plus I wasn't comfortable that he had a license to carry a gun (work related). So Sam and I parted ways.

In the end I'm glad I went thru this experience with Sam. I learned alot about what I think I want and what I actually need.

Sam and I didnt end up happily every after but it's ok. I still prefer old men, asian or otherwise and will try again....someday...eventually

Phantom presence of my baby daddy

I talk very little about my son's father. I'm not trying to hide anything or keep secrets, it's more that there's nothing really to share.

Currently he hasn't made any efforts to be part of his son's life. I did email him last xmas a photo of our son with Santa. That was my small steps towards trying to include him.

But no return response came back from his side....cyber or real life. So I've accepted that's how it is and I've gone on living. But still his phantom presence lingers

I see him everyday in my son from the way he smiles to the way he scratches his head when he's upset/tired/bored. The head scratching/rubbing is SO his dad's trait.

While he mostly has my features, there's no denying his fathers asian "mark" on my son. I wondered if as my son grew he would become more "black" looking. I've accepted it aint gonna happen.

Except for his legs becoming a darker shade of caramel and his hair becoming just a bit more curly....he still has asian features.

As my son grows he's going to become aware that's he's different looking then mommy...what then? I've been thinking about this since he was born. I've tried to lay a base of examples through books, TV shows and taking him to different culture events.

I hope he will understand from a young age that the world is made of many different people and it's a good thing to be from different cultures. But still I worry it might not be enough.

At a recent single mom support group there was a guest speaker, a clinical psychologist who specializes in family therapy and parent/child relationships, who came to speak to the moms about "Connection & Conflict In Separated And Divorced Couples." I went to cover the event for the blog but ended up taking part in the discussion.

I shared how lately I've been thinking of once again trying to make contact with my son's dad, but the thought of dealing with conflict holds me back.

My son's father and I didn't exactly breakup on good terms. Nor did we have good communications after the breakup. For weeks after over emails, voice mail and txt msg we fought bitterly. But really when it comes to our son what does it matter? Can't we find a successful way to co-parent the child we both wanted so badly!?

I discussed the pros and cons with the moms and psychologist. Having his father in his life would help him see why he looks different and let him know he's part of someone else. But having a father who's struggling with issue of maturity and alcoholism might be damaging. Can he teach my son how to be a man and father from his example?

In the end it's up to me and what I want for my son. What that is...Im still struggling with. But I feel I need to decide soon cause I cant deal with the unresolved haunting presence of my son's father for much longer