Phantom Presence of My Baby Daddy

I talk very little about my son's father. I'm not trying to hide anything or keep secrets, it's more that there's nothing really to share.

Currently he hasn't made any efforts to be part of his son's life. I did email him last xmas a photo of our son with Santa. That was my small steps towards trying to include him.

But no return response came back from his side....cyber or real life. So I've accepted that's how it is and I've gone on living. But still his phantom presence lingers

I see him everyday in my son from the way he smiles to the way he scratches his head when he's upset/tired/bored. The head scratching/rubbing is SO his dad's trait.

While he mostly has my features, there's no denying his fathers asian "mark" on my son. I wondered if as my son grew he would become more "black" looking. I've accepted it aint gonna happen.

Except for his legs becoming a darker shade of caramel and his hair becoming just a bit more curly....he still has asian features.

As my son grows he's going to become aware that's he's different looking then mommy...what then? I've been thinking about this since he was born. I've tried to lay a base of examples through books, TV shows and taking him to different culture events.

I hope he will understand from a young age that the world is made of many different people and it's a good thing to be from different cultures. But still I worry it might not be enough.

At a recent single mom support group there was a guest speaker, a clinical psychologist who specializes in family therapy and parent/child relationships, who came to speak to the moms about "Connection & Conflict In Separated And Divorced Couples." I went to cover the event for the blog but ended up taking part in the discussion.

I shared how lately I've been thinking of once again trying to make contact with my son's dad, but the thought of dealing with conflict holds me back.

My son's father and I didn't exactly breakup on good terms. Nor did we have good communications after the breakup. For weeks after over emails, voice mail and txt msg we fought bitterly. But really when it comes to our son what does it matter? Can't we find a successful way to co-parent the child we both wanted so badly!?

I discussed the pros and cons with the moms and psychologist. Having his father in his life would help him see why he looks different and let him know he's part of someone else. But having a father who's struggling with issue of maturity and alcoholism might be damaging. Can he teach my son how to be a man and father from his example?

In the end it's up to me and what I want for my son. What that is...Im still struggling with. But I feel I need to decide soon cause I cant deal with the unresolved haunting presence of my son's father for much longer