Monday, September 26, 2011

White Mamas, Privilege & Racial Mental Tango

I received a very interesting reply to my tweet about what happened to me this weekend. Julie, a white mom, pointed out why some white women/moms wont get why questioning a mother of color connection to their biracial child is upsetting and rude.


I was shocked to see something like that said (admitted) when other white moms would swear otherwise. As I traded tweets with Julie I wanted to learn more about this "white privileged blindness" some white women/moms have.

I asked Julie to share her thoughts on the subject in a guest post and she bravely wrote "White Mamas, White Privilege & Racial Mental Tango".

Please read the post, share a comment and start the dialogue. I think it's important that moms of color with biracial children hear/read/ understand what's really happening in the minds of some white women/moms.


White Mamas, White Privilege & Racial Mental Tango


by Julie Jordan Avritt, who blogs at Duck You Forever (duckyouforever.wordpress.com) and Freelance Writing and Editing (www.freelancewritingandediting.com)

Hypothetical Scenario:

If I’d been sitting at the playground alongside a group of other white mothers when one of them asked me who the light skinned child of a darker-skinned mother belonged to, I would have found myself in the instantaneous psychological tango that never flows gracefully and certainly isn’t sexy.

Let’s say the woman on the playground has been holding the child, offering the child affection, soothing the child’s tears—usual indications that a woman is a child’s mother. But learned stereotypes, less real than imagined, want us to believe this woman, because of her race, is more likely to be the child’s nanny. Still, I would quickly pivot on my mental feet and say, “I’m sure the child belongs to her.”

But the truth is that the dance I’d be doing in my head would be partly obstacle course around my own learned prejudices. I might have looked and wondered for a brief second too, and I have to admit that if I’m interested in honest exchanges about race. Racism is systemic and even when we choose to eliminate it, or further, become social activists around its elimination, we are still called to address it all the time—not just in others, but in ourselves.

As a white person, I’m automatically assumed to be the rightful mother of my child. That’s white privilege. As a white person, I’m less likely to be assumed to be poor, even though I’m a member of the poverty class. I don’t appear to be, and this has partly to do with it, but being white as opposed to being a member of a minority race or ethnicity affects this perception. As a white person, it is more commonly assumed that I am educated and hold a degree or degrees. As a white person—and this one is frightening for what it means about minorities—it is automatically assumed that I am likely to be a decent parent.

Certainly not all white people are assumed to be decent parents, but we tend to think that educated, high income white folks are automatically going to be good at parenting. Hmm. And the opposite is assumed of low income minorities. This is dangerous thinking.

My experience with white people is that the vast majority of us are unconscious of our privilege and what it means, how it impacts others. This is a powerful ignorance.

My experience of folks who are working to unpack our privilege is that we are a tricky bunch; anybody who becomes bogged down by “white guilt” is likely to be sometimes smarmy, sometimes inauthentic, and no help to anyone, including themselves.

We like to debate about white privilege with one another forever, but actually listening to folks of color tell us why the things we believe, say, and do are obnoxious? Never! So, the privilege-ignorance equation regenerates and recycles.

Not long ago the Chicana owner of a social site informed the membership that it was becoming “too white.” (Folks of color were leaving because of all the unmonitored privilege and ignorance.) Her statement actually enraged members; they called it racist.

Racist against whom; white people?

And I should say here that this was a website in the LGBT community, people already very personally familiar with what it means to be oppressed.

My position is that white folks should not look to or expect people of color to teach them about their inherent racisms or the privilege they’re not ready to acknowledge they have. That is a further enacting of privilege. Working to eliminate our inner racism should be work we commit to do ourselves. When I think about the job of mothering, though, I wonder if there isn’t overlap, because I know that support is important, mentors are vital, and believing that we can affect change for the better—in ourselves, and maybe in at least one other little person—is essential. And perhaps also love. A lot of love.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

My Black Motherhood: Separate & Never Equal

Last night I sat talking to 2 black women about being a mom to a blasian child and an asian & black community advocate, when a white women walked over to our area, starting gushing over my son and then turn to the group of white women sitting next to us and asked which of the women (white) my son belonged to.

shestreams blasian family

*blink, blink* (where's a hidden camera when you need one?!)

I should mention that my son was sitting in my lap, with my arms around him, playing on my ipod touch that has a case with a photo of us on it.

For all arguments sake it was clear he was with me.

As I looked at this women who still seemed clueless when none of the white women claimed my son as their own (would they even dare?!) I wondered what she saw....or rather didn't see.

As I turned back to the black women I was talking to, 3 pairs of eyes collectively rolled together. I think we might have sighed also but I cant remember. I do remember the conversation that immediately followed the side eye all 3 of us gave that white women.
  • A conversation with comments validating that my son looks just like me
  • A conversation that validated that people don't take time to pay attention to anything besides skin-tone
  • A conversation about how more people need to know that black women have biracial children that are a different hue, heck even a black mom with a black child can be different hues.
We had this conversation with that white women still standing there being pointedly ignored by me. Let me tell you, it took most of my will power not to turn around and tell her how ignorant and stupid she sounded. But I've learned not to engage with people when the end result would be pointless.

My point was proven when this same women, passed my son and I repeatedly during the night and never stopped to say anything, not a sorry for the misunderstanding, not a can I get to know you, not even a hello. Nothing, just kept looking at us and not speaking.

What's even more interesting is this women knows of me in the mom blogging world. We may not be friends in the same circle but I'm certainly no stranger to her. So again I wondered what she saw....or rather didn't see.

shestreams blasian family

What is it that people are NOT seeing when they look at me as women and mother? This was the thought on my mind as I looked around at the people also at the conference. They were mainly white. While that's nothing new at these types of events, as I entered the area where dinner was being served I felt uncomfortable.

As I looked around to see where my son and I can sit, I made eye contact with a certain high profile mom in the blogging world. The look in her eyes made it clear, in her mind, there's no place for me and my son at this event. I immediately lost my appetite.

As I walked back towards the exit, I said goodbye to the few that were friendly and pointedly ignored the others. Could I have stayed? Yes, I payed the fee to be at this conference but which mom want to expose their child to people who are confused and unfriendly with a family that's different then their's?

That to me seems to be the answer to my question. People in that world still don't see me on the level with them.

Black motherhood is still a mystery, a black mother is still something to be kept as separate and an outsider. For the last 2.5 years in the mom blog world, I've held my tongue, played nice and paid my dues when dealing with rudeness, discrimination and sometimes out right hostility. In the end for what?

At an event where I'm suppose to be part of a community of influencers, I'm reminded my "motherhood" influence doesn't apply to them.