Caught Between a Mommy Rock and Hard Place

After a change of plans, I wondered how I could spend the rest of my day. I was already outside and the day was so beautiful and warm. Daniel was enjoying it and looked so cute in his fisherman hat. A true shame to return home now.

So I thought, since we're already in downtown brooklyn,  we should go hangout on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade. That would be a great way to destress, try to tan Daniel and of course get a photo.

On the way I stopped in a neighborhood store for some refreshment.  I grab my drink and head up to the counter to pay.

Ironically it's a Korean owned store with a older Korean women at the counter. As I'm paying the women starts talking to Daniel.  Then she starts a convo with me

Korean counter lady: What's the name
Me: Daniel
Korean counter lady:  Oh, it's a boy
Me: *frown*  yes he's a boy
Korean counter lady: Oh so cute.
Me:  Thank you. Say Annyeong Haseyo Daniel *paying and getting ready to leave*
Korean counter lady: Oh he's Japanese
Me: *blink, blink*  No he's korean...well really Korean and Black *pointing to Daniel and then myself*
Korean counter lady: *stares at me* Uh huh

As I left the store I laughed at the thought of the Korean counter lady telling her family about the black women who came into the store with a Japanese child trying to say first he was HER baby and then he was black AND korean.

As we rolled onto the promenade I saw a mixed group of women with children.  One group of mothers with their kids. The other group of babysitters with their kids.

Where would I sit? Who can I be friendly with? Honestly I stood there for a few seconds cause I was struck with the option and what it might led to.

If I sit with the moms will they wonder why a baby sitter is in the mommy section? Will I have to explain in detail with DNA diagrams how genetics work and YES he really is my baby? Hmm

If I sit with the babysitters will they shun me after learning I am not part of the "lets complain about our bosses" club? Will I need to convince them that I'm not a spy and I'm just a regular person like them? Hmm

As I stood there looking at them, they sat there looking me waiting for me to choose an alliance. Hmm.

I'm wasn't up to dealing with the social politics today so I made my way to an empty bench away from both groups.  There I enjoyed the sun, the smell of the sea and Daniels warm baby kisses.  What a great end to the day.

Brag about your blog day

Today on twitter everyone was invite to brag about our blogs. Well of course I had to surf over.

It's true I have not updated this blog recently but I still have lots to brag about. I'm amazed anyone still vists here and leaves me comments. 

But I have to say, it's a great feeling to know something as simple as this blog and my kooky thoughts can have such a powerful effect on other people. That was what I wrote about during my 5 seconds of fame. I re-posted my comment below.

I love SO many things about my blogs Blasian Baby Notes and Daniels 365

First I love that their mini memory book for the events in my son’s life. Children grow so much in the first year of their life that you can’t keep up with everything…unless you have a blog.

Second, I love that visitors to my blogs form a community in some many different ways. I never thought having a biracial child would be the main connection with me and so many moms and dads. Since my son is black and asian = blasian, I have an automatic connection to those two communities. But I’m also connected to any person black, asian, white, hispanic, etc that loves children and cares about the issues that affect them.

Lastly, thru my blogs I become a voice… an activist… a face for black mothers who date, marry and raise families that step outside the mainstream norm of what is expected of us.

Viva la difference!

Sometimes nursing wins

So for the morning nap I decided to carryover the night "cry it out" training into daytime. When I saw my son getting sleepy I moved him into the bedroom where it's quiet and the light are subdued.

I started to nurse him and when I noticed he starting to nod off, I shifted him into the playard. I sat next to him on the bed and waited for the crying to start.

Well he just laid there for a few seconds, smiled at me and then started rolling all over the playard.

*sigh*

OK, so a little activity isn't bad if he needs it to go to sleep right? Well after about 10 minutes I noticed this activity wasn't getting him any closer to sleep...

If anything I was the one getting sleepy. So I picked him up and started a second round of nursing.

This time I just let him fall asleep fully, before I put him back in the playard. I have too many things to try and do today to wait the 45 minutes for him to sleep when I can knock him out in 10 minutes with boobie.

I guess we're back to only night time "crying it out" training for now.

Getting a drink for thirsty soul

I feel my soul is thirsty. Like I've been walking in a desert of my life but didn't stop from time to time to drink anything refreshing. It's been a mixture of my fault and just the ways of life.

I did not realize how much being a mom takes out of you.

I'm not talking about caring for the baby. I was prepared for that part.

I was not prepared for the emotional part.

From dealing with changes in my body to the labor and delivery to caring for a newborn to trying to train a infant and on and on and on...Add to it the stress other people bring me from all sorts of crazy angles. The emotional toll at every stage is confounding.

Somedays it's a struggle just to remember to shower and use the bathroom much less pay bills, answer emails or work on projects long in a state of de-funk. As my son grows he need more and more from me but I'm low if not empty already.

I keep telling myself...you need a break, you need some time to re-charge but when, where, how?

One of the biggest things I miss is writing. Everyday I swear to write even if it's a few sentences just to save memories along with my sanity. But everyday night passes without me writing.

As I lay down sentences run thru my head but I lack the will power to grab one of the myriads of notebooks I leave around me for that very purpose. With the morning comes the loss of the previous day story, memories, thoughts, observations, life notes.

It frustrates me but it's no one fault. There's just not enough time or energy or whatever it was I had before.

But I don't want to lose my chances anymore...I want to take my life notes, I want to clear the clutter in my head. I want to save memories for my son.

So I got up this morning at 3 am and became determined to write... to take a sip ... hoping that the taste will soothe me enough to help me come back and keep drinking. It feels good, nice and cool for my over heated and dehydrated spirit.

The feel of the keys, the comforting click and clack, the moving text on the screen that shows I still have thoughts, words, essence.

My son has awoken...probably due to lack of a warm body next to him or maybe the change in my energy. He's very aware of energy my little one.

Normally I would stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs right away but I feel different this morning. His emotional need is just to see me...all of his physical needs were already taken care off.

So I place him in a stroller so he can see me while I rebuild myself, while I breathe, while I literally cry with sheer joy for this moment of me...until he decided he wanted to type also and grabs for the keyboard.

Baby Steps Towards Korean Traditions

Daniel is now 1 Month. Well officially he will be on Sunday since that’s the 27th of the month. But since I go weekly by Fridays then I’m counting today.

With Daniel getting older I want to follow the Korean tradition. Sadly I’m behind in getting his clothes and having professional photos done. The delay is partly because I didn’t finish researching what type of clothes he needs and what happens with 1 months olds Korean boys.

I’ll have to ask the women in the NKMTK (married to Korean men) group for info and suggestions. I’ll also tap my Korean co-workers now that I’m allowed to visit. Shucks might as well also try the Korean adoption yahoo group.

I hope to get all info and take his photo by the end of the month. A little late but I’ll try to be more prepared for the 100 days and 1 year tradition.

Oddly, Guyanese folks don’t have any traditions for the 1 month mark. I’ll have to find a Guyanese tradition to celebrate with him.

*UPDATE*

Well I got the info from my co-workers and women in the married to Korean men group. Seems no one celebrates the first month. My Korean co-workers had a good laugh at me about being early. Darn them.

It’s the "100th day baek-il" (www.asianinfo.org/asianinfo/korea/cel/birthday_celebrations.htm) and "1st birthday Tol" (www.lifeinkorea.com/Culture/tol/tol.cfm) that’s celebrated with special clothes, photos, foods and a party.

I doubt I’ll do the party…who can I invite? But the other parts should be fun. I have to dress him in a “Hanbok” and get photos taken. My Korean “mom” YM will get one for Daniel since I’m clueless about where to shop and they cost about $100 and up. Yeah I know.

We’ll see if I’ll take the photos myself or have them done by a pro when the time comes. For sure I’m not trying to cook any of the treats. Best to get those by a pro or someone who knows how to make them. Yum

Odd bit of insider info about the photo requirements. Seems along with dress-up photos, I should have no-clothes photos also. It’s custom to proudly show off the penis of the baby boys in the photos.

While I want to respect my son’s heritage, there’s a limit to how far I’m going to follow tradition.

A Rose by Another Korean Name

So the other day the Chinese production person had to tell me her American name, cause someone called for her and I had no idea who they wanted.

Since then I've been wondering about the two name thing or more to the point the three name thing Koreans have going on.

Pete and I didn't talk about giving the baby a third name or a Korean name. We just didn't think of it for some reason.

But now I'm thinking of it. So I started doing some researching and asked around how this American and Asian name deal thing works.

For some reason it's a bit different for Korean versus Chinese, since Chinese people pick an American name when they immigrant while Korean chose one from childhood. At least that's how I understood it.

Anyway, depending on the document (passport, birth certificate, etc) and what their doing (working, going to school, etc) they can have either name being used.

Now all that's a bit confusing for me in general so I decided to simplify this naming idea I'm twirling around.

I decided to just give the baby a Korean middle name. I already picked the first name and I plan on using the father's last name so that's the only place to add some extra Korean.

So I did some research for Korean baby names books. Once again it seem I'm looking for the near impossible. It's amazing the different types of baby name book available.

- Jewish, Saints Names, Biblical Names, etc
- Spanish, Hispanic, etc
- Indian, Hindu, Muslim, etc
- African, African American, etc
- Irish, Celtic Names, etc
- Arabian
- New Age, 90's Names, Celebrity, Favorite Soap Opera's
- Melting Pot
- Chinese

All that but no Korean...I'm beginning to feel a bit of biasness on behalf of my little one. Still I found some books that has sections of Korean name, so I gave those a browse thru.

Sad to say they only had about 2 pages each of Korean names for boys and girl to chose from. When I compared that to the pages and pages of name from other cultures I felt a bit at odds.

I was tempted to give the baby a Native American name, since I saw some good ones but figured I had enough racial explaining to do later.

So armed with my four sheets of paper with Korean baby names I begin the interesting task of name choosing. At some point I will need the help of my Korean co-workers to help me correctly pronounce and fully understand the meaning behind any name I find appealing.

I sure know how to over due some projects huh?

Official Baby News

Hey everyone

Here is baby waving and baby in profile

Well after weeks and weeks of morning, afternoon and evening sickness, not to mention headaches, backaches and everything else that all my pregnant girl friends forgot to warn me about... the time finally came to see the reason for all that suffering.

And I can say it was SO worth it. I was completely overjoyed to see my baby for the first time.